Be a child again

Hello My name is Gaio and I'm 35 years old.
Never been easy to speak about me or my experiences. Well very few people now about my experiences.
Never been happier than I was when I was a child. My family, like all the families, had problems, alcoholic and violent father (he could be very loving as well, we think he was/is bipolar). Many nights went to bed with only lemon tea in my stomach, old clothes. But never been happier. And all that happiness is gone.

I have been reading about lucid dreams and astral projection. And I realise I was having semi lucid dreams when I was a child. Let me explain, when I was a child I had a couple of dreams I like it, don't now why because they were strange, so before I sleep I would say to myself I want to dream with that dream and I would dream it...
And flying, oh flying, I love it, I discover by accident the first time I went after a ball or a kite, I start giving long steps and jumping and with each jump I would go higher and higher until I would float in the air, flying wasn't easy at first but then...FREEDOM. All this stop in my teen years....Why?? Can't even remember my dreams now

When I was 20 somethings completely different happened. I was in a video rent store, I was at the counter to pay when I felt light headed. After this I feel my self floating in the air when I look down I see people around someone laying in the floor, that someone was me. I see a lady holding my head and shouting wake up, wake up. But the voice I heard wasn't from the lady but from my gf that she was far away at that moment.
At first I didn't want to come back, like there is a force pushing me but then I ear my gf calling me, it was the lady not my gf calling. If I wouldn't ear my gf voice probably I would follow the force.

I feel I'm in this world to do more than I'm doing at the moment but it's like there is a force/barrier that I can't go trough. I'm loosing all my energies I feel being suck. Not strong enough.

Never shared my experiences before but maybe, just maybe, someone wise see my message and can heglp me.

PS. One last thing that I forgot, since I'm a child I feel out of place like I don't belong here. I said many times to my only friend, that I wasn't from here, that I was from another planet. I forgot the name I was always saying.